Too Independent in Your Relationship?

Jennifer Chappell Marsh, MFT explores independence vs interdependence in relationships and what safe attachment seems like.

Jennifer Chappell Marsh, MFT explores independence vs interdependence in relationships and what safe attachment seems like.

Many people have heard the saying, “On the finish of the day, you solely have your self to fall again on…” We’re taught from a younger age that independence is an efficient factor; a supply of power and pleasure. Maintain your self. Don’t be clingy or needy. Gaining independence, studying tips on how to suppose and resolve for ourselves is important to transition from childhood to maturity. Being self-sufficient is important to performing on our personal.

Can an excessive amount of independence harm your relationship?

Being unbiased is extremely helpful once you’re single. A specific amount of independence can be helpful for you when in relationship. However an excessive amount of independence would possibly inhibit the inherent emotional tie to your companion. It’s pure to change into emotionally interdependent in intimate relationships however if you happen to’re too vulnerable to “independence,” this pure state might change into compromised.

All of us hope to really feel safe and protected in {our relationships}, particularly those who matter probably the most to us. Each single human wants and/or longs for the security in realizing, “you’ve received my again it doesn’t matter what”. This want for connection is hard-wired into our primal survival brains no matter your degree of self-sufficiency. Once we really feel assured in realizing we will depend on our companion, that is known as, “secure attachment”.

When we’ve got safe attachment in {our relationships} we’ve got a way of realizing the next:

• I can depend on my companion.
• I come first with my companion.
• I can share my deepest emotions with my companion and he/she will likely be there for me.

These affirmative statements mirror a way of security and safety within the relationship. This doesn’t imply that {couples} with safe attachment don’t battle or have issues. They do. What it does imply is that when issues get off observe – an individual in a safe relationship will talk what they’re feeling and the couple will come collectively to deal with the difficulty to get again on observe.

Once we don’t really feel safe relying and counting on {our relationships}, the “ouch” moments can flip into one thing greater, resulting in arguments that trigger much more distance within the relationship. Battle over who picks up the children or what sort of milk made it into the buying cart can ignite a stronger emotional response resulting in additional harm and disconnection.

See the next fictional instance:

Amanda has been married to her husband Mike for five years. They each describe themselves as unbiased and recognize that they’ve their very own careers and pals. Amanda typically will get irritated when Tom forgets about her work features or once they have plans collectively as a result of he’s working a lot. She blows it off, as a result of she doesn’t need to come off as “needy”, “weak” or “demanding”. She additionally doesn’t suppose Mike would perceive her emotions and might get defensive or attempt to “clear up” the issue. So, as an alternative of speaking to Mike about what’s upsetting her, she takes care of herself by turning extra to her work and her pals to maintain her busy.

Over time she begins to really feel that work is on the high of Mike’s precedence record and she or he is available in second. That is the place the insecurity can begin to set in. Nonetheless, she doesn’t let Mike know of her uneasiness as a result of she doesn’t need to burden him. Then, Amanda and Mike discover out they’re having a child. Over the last trimester Amanda is ready for Mike to satisfy her on the physician’s workplace. She calls him to verify in and learns that he’s going to be late as a result of a piece delay. Her blood stress hits the roof – she’s boiling. After the appointment she let’s him have it. She yells at him about being egocentric, telling him that work is the one factor that issues to him and she will’t depend on him. Mike has no concept the place that is all coming from and from his viewpoint Amanda’s emotional response appears irrational. He feels attacked for circumstances out of his management. He defends himself, she will get angrier they usually get caught in an terrible battle.

In relationships, typically the easiest way to take of your self and your relationship is to show to one another for assist. Amanda tried to “recover from it” and handle her stress by taking the unbiased route. Her feelings saved constructing till they exploded, creating extra issues within the relationship.

Transferring from independence to interdependence:

• Give your self permission to want your companion. Be taught to show in direction of them. Your want in your companion makes you human.
• Talk your emotions. Categorical to your companion how you are feeling within the relationship. Chances are high he/she is going to recognize your openness and offers them the prospect to be there for you.
• Let your companion know what would enable you to. He/she is probably going not a thoughts reader. Set your companion up for fulfillment by telling them what you want; perhaps a hug or simply to pay attention.